Struggle w/ “being pussy”

I was watching this TED Talk video last night about vulnerability and how it’s important. First off I’d like to admit for alot of black males, probably 90% of us, that there is no room in any part of our life to be vulnerable. No room at anytime to appear weak or unsure. We were born like this, taught at an early age also through learned behavior that we have to dominating, we have to be alpha, we have to be in charge of ourselves and sure of every situation. Now this is my thought process going into the video. My interpretation of vulnerability. This lady Brené Brown, a white woman totally turned my perception of what it means to live fully, to truly enjoy a moment without the fear of judgement or ridicule. The fear that the way you laugh, or talk or even your movement could make you the butt of a cruel joke. She spoke about her experiences and how she went to see a therapist, and in a way she had it(life) turned off as I did(do). She explained how when we free ourselves from who We think we should be only them are we free to be who we are. And quite honestly that’s the realest shit I’ve ever heard. The people we sometimes think are the most vulnerable wear it as a badge. Well I take that back because that vulnerability; their unique sense of self ,is who they are not something to take off or put on. The part that hurt the most about her presentation was that her research lead her to understand that these people had the courage to be imperfect, to believe their vulnerability is a necessity not a flaw. That living that way opened up door from them to be creative, powerful, and to experience life in a way that is essentially pure joy. I have never felt that. I envy these people because for 25yrs I was raised to be tough, to not show weakness, alpha macho etc etc. Now I sit here and cant recall one time I’ve felt the joy I image these people feel. I find it terrifying to even attempt to let anyone other than anonamus readers know who I really am. To share years of shame and emotion with a sibling for me is death, let alone a moment with of friend that knows I am a great actor. She said human connection drives us all , and I’ll take this format as a start to be vulnerable I guess. Whatever

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